I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
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These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
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