Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
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