My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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