im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
