i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
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