Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Drunk is a universal language darling
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
