he was CRYING into my vagina
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
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