JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
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