My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked