I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
What a dumb baby whore.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Randomize
