She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
No. You are not the Kate in this relationship. I will do what I want.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
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Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
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Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
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