Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Randomize
