So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Randomize
