we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
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