Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
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