I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
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