There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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