There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
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