Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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