No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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