Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Randomize
