Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
