Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
