I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize
