This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Randomize
