Dude?? where did you go after Wildcats last night? Last I heard you went off with one of the girls we danced with?
Negative - This is his GF, Bobby is in Jail for a DUI. Thanks for the info.
he wants to bone in the snuggie
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
