you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
