If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
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