just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Randomize
