I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
Randomize
