You can't motorboat a personality
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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