After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
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