I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
