I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
Randomize
