Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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