This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
