My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
It's 3am, i just got back from ht e bars and registered for classes larteeeeee. History of baseball at 8am? at least ill meet the only stragiht gusy at NYU!
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
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