So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
Randomize
