I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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