he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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