he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Randomize
