Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I'm such a slut...i kept having sex with him after he called me his ex gf's name. I just felt like i deserved something out of it too.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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