she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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