Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
Now that I've come to graduate college. I realized the only discernible skill I learned was how to roll a joint properly. go me.
Well thats $24,000 well spent.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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