I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
