Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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