Kareoke will never be a sober sport
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
