About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
