Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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