I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Randomize
