I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
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