Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
she looked like the bat from fern gully.
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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