I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
we're so committed to being not committed
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
