I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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